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Writing about mental health, personal development & relationships. Love cats & birds.

“The only thing to fear is fear itself” — Franklin D. Roosevelt

Distracting myself has been one of my best coping mechanisms when it comes to fighting an anxious thought or an upcoming anxiety attack. Watch Netflix, bake bread, go for a run. It cleared the way to deal with my issues one by one. To slowly work on the things that were important to me at that moment, instead of trying to juggle it all. However, the distraction itself has perhaps turned into another harmful pattern. Here’s what I tried to do about it.

Distractions as a coping mechanism

When I was 21, my mother passed away. Only a year later I lost my father too…

Humanity in its simplest shape

I love listening to the radio, probably because my mother used to do it a lot. It provides some sort of extra dimension to the living room. It is also a perfect pastime. Listening is one of the easiest things to do, as opposed to reading a book, for example, and since there’s no screen to look at it doesn’t make your eyes tired. I like to be surprised by the music that passes by, hearing songs I haven’t listened to in ages, being caught up with the news, following conversations about all kinds of topics. It’s effortless. Your brain…

Learning involves trial and error, an expression I have always taken for granted. I never wanted to do anything wrong, yet I now know that there is not much to learn if you don’t make any mistakes or allow yourself to do so.

Sometimes the lesson is clear instantly: not wearing gloves while it’s snowing outside? That probably won’t happen again any time soon. Other lessons can take a lot longer to learn. Sometimes a fox does get caught twice in the same snare. How we learn fascinates me tremendously. …

Grief never ends

It comes back when I’ve forgotten what it’s like how much it can hurt. It’s there when I need someone to love me unconditionally. It’s there when I feel lost, unable to make a decision, unable to leave things the way they are. It’s there when I need my mother.

Grief never ends. It’s there when I need to tell my mother about my day. When there are so many questions I have to ask her. When I long for her comforting words, telling me I don’t have to be afraid of anything. …

Until I learned to actually trust what they said

No one can read minds, but I thought I was getting pretty close. The only thing I turned out to be good at was applying meaning to someone’s words in a world created by my own thoughts.

I was a star at mistrusting everyone. After every word someone uttered, I added another two words I believed were just as true. When someone said, “you look nice today,” I heard: I’m just trying to be nice. “Want to hang out today?” meant: I’m bored, nobody else wants to hang out with me, so you’ll have to do.

I was always trying…

A soft landing

I’m so close to falling I can feel gravity pulling me down,
yet I grab hold of whatever I can find,
leaving me hovering above the floor.

If I stretch out my arm, I’d be able to touch it.

I’m so close to falling, all of my muscles are tensed,
ready to catch me when I hit the ground.
I feel them ache, waiting to take a hit.

I’m so close to falling I have whispers surrounding me
telling me to stand my ground,
hold my spot a little longer.

The area is still under investigation.

I’m so close to…

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